Hello

Hello old neglected friend! My how I have avoided you over the last year. But I have an excuse. Well, several. Things sort of fell apart, I had to start over, I'm learning how to live on my own, and I needed to find the courage to let myself feel happy again.

So here I am, back but undoubtedly changed. It has taken me a long while to come to the realization that I can never go back to being the "old me." In the course of everything that transpired, all the tears that were shed, the new quests, the risks taken, the heart given, I cannot possibly still be the same girl I was before this was all set in motion. I'd like to think I'm more brave than she was, more determined, even in the face of criticism and loneliness, to find my true path. But yet maybe a little more foolish too. I'm still "me," but a slightly less naive, more cautious me than I was before, but also a hopeful me that prays I will one day shed the shackles of guilt and let myself move toward the beautiful life.

What I have learned:

*Houses and "things,"e.g. throw pillows and wall art, may look beautiful but aren't true companions

*Once you close a familiar door, the person on the other side might never try to step through it again

*The loving friendship among girls is sacred

*Time does not always heal

*Courage and willingness to love can introduce you to beautiful new people

*I will be fine, great even

Who Knows?

Ok New Year's Resolutions for 2011:

Be courageous

Learn to like mushrooms

Go zip--lining

Stop judging myself so harshly

Volunteer

Exercise regularly

Plant in my backyard

Take post-grad classes

Eat healthier

Get a summer job

Travel (cheaply of course)

new year

What will it bring?

The past few weeks have been undoubtedly the hardest of my life, but they have illuminated what I already know: I am lucky indeed to have so many deeply wonderful, caring people in my life.

Here's to looking forward and not back. Here's to going through the very lows to reach the highs. Here's to figuring it all out.

Here's to courage.

Found!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

1:30 PM

Counseling Notes

The client has recently been "missing in action," or "MIA," as it has been termed, from her regular blogging antics. She appears to have developed a recent compulsion for home shopping, single-handedly moving large furniture back and forth, watching and re-watching mundane television programs, and eating obscene amounts of sugar-filled delights. Consumed by a somewhat new-found calling for decorating, she finds herself deliberating between the fresh appeal of the color "tangerine" and the soothing essence evoked by "apricot" (but then quickly loses focus and hunts for a snack). Unable to visualize in her head the layout and coordination of items, she splurges on unnecessary accessories in multiples colors and sizes at every local store within reasonable driving distance. Upon returning home, she piles her treasures up in the center of whatever room she is currently decorating, moves them around for several hours, formulates new ideas, heads out the next day to buy more, and then eventually returns nearly all purchased items, as she has changed her mind altogether.

The client also complains of physical and mental exhaustion. Pressed for more details, she provided her daily schedule: Upon waking up somewhere between nine and eleven o'clock, she enjoys a cup of coffee, consumes a healthy dosage of important updates from her favorite reputable website, www.people.com, and then heads out for an afternoon of shopping, swimming, reading, or chatting. She then returns to do some heavy cleaning (upwards of 15 minutes) and settles in for the evening with a bowl of cereal and whatever television programs might be airing. She repeats this the next day, sometimes adding in a leisurely stroll about the neighborhood if feeling particularly energized. Overall, the client reports feeling that she is overexerting herself and might need to cut out one or two activities in her packed day.

At my urging, the client promises to try to slowly return to her normal routine, including blogging on a somewhat regular basis, exercising, eating a vegetable now and then, doing schoolwork, and waking and sleeping at socially acceptable hours, as this might help her ease back into a healthier way of living. Updates to follow.

with sprinkles, no, without

I just counted the number of books I am currently reading: five. I don't even have that many rooms in my apartment. They are scattered about, one in the bedroom, one in the living room, one on the kitchen counter, and one in the bathroom (yes, I read on the pot, and you do too, just admit it). The fifth is currently MIA but around here somewhere, I just know it. And yes, I am truly reading all of them, but in fragmented, hurried spurts. This speaks to the state of my mind lately--lots of different mental drawers are open at one time, and I can't seem to focus enough to shut a single one before opening another. Pretty soon the whole dresser will just topple over from the weight.

Pug and I were just discussing yesterday how lately my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I'm afraid that they just keep spilling out of my mouth as they come to me, and I can assure you that there is not one ounce of elegance to it. I am surely frustrating company for those used to following a logical thought process. I literally cut myself off mid-sentence, invent several new words a day by frantically combining several together, and jump from topic to topic like it's nobody's business. Even while typing this blog, I've gotten up three times when something new popped into my head.

School has been so busy that I haven't been able to keep up, which makes me feel overwhelmed, needed, and guilty at the same time. I think I need to try some of the deep breathing and focusing exercises that I teach the kids at school. Self--cut out all this "I need to carry the whole Earth, and maybe Saturn and Jupiter and hell, Pluto as well, on my shoulders" crap and just calm down and eat a donut.

It is this.

At the end of the day lately, no matter how hard I work, I'm left with nothing more than the taste of my own selfishness on my tongue.

punctuality

This week has been absolutely overwhelming. Some days here I don't feel busy enough, but this week I was lucky to eat lunch by 3:30. I need a pair of skates the way I run up and down the halls. I literally had kids lecturing me for not getting to them soon enough after they left notes for me. I want all of them to feel heard and important, but I think they forget there are almost 500 of them and only one of me. Two little girls: "Umm, this is the THIRD time in two days we came looking for you. You SAID we could talk!" I found myself hanging my head in shame and repeatedly apologizing for not being more responsible.

Anyway, I was hanging with one of my kiddos who is often very unpredictable and difficult to read, so I decided to give him a short learning styles profile and multiple intelligence assessment to gather more information about the best ways to work with him. I read him the questions aloud as he played with my big orange squishy stress ball and made farting noises into it with his mouth. Yuck. But I pick my battles, and this was not one of them. Anyway, one of the true/false statements toward the end of the multiple intelligence test was: "I am concerned about how others feel." When I read it to him, he looked at me like my head had suddenly sprouted an extra set of eyes. He replied, "No! I'm eight." Oh, honesty! Needless to say, interpersonal intelligence did not turn up as a particular strength of his.

This week I had two more, "I never thought I'd hear THIS in elementary school" moments. What is going on?! Some days I feel like a high school counselor and that my little people are so much older, more mature than their appearances would suggest. Despite anonymity, I do not feel comfortable sharing many of these stories here, but I am keeping a journal of the heartbreaking, strange, awkward, and of course funny occurrences that I have already occurred in my short 6 months on the job. I have never once felt bored. What will next week bring?