Today was one of those days where I felt pretty badly, questioned myself profusely, but found that at the end of the day things kind of made sense (unlike this sentence). I wrote about it in my head, wrote about it on paper, and geez, now here I go again.
I felt really badly after my presentation in class today, not because of how I thought I did (although that stunk too), but because of something I said. When I feel that I've done something to someone else that's unacceptable or wrong, if only by my own standards and even if the other person is completely unaffected, I feel it everywhere. In my gut, in my head. And that's how I know. The human conscience is so intensely powerful. I think it's what brings us to our knees when we've forgotten ourselves and compels us to make it right, if not this time, then the other times in the future. And although today has been tough, if I don't experience the emotions and question my own motivations, how will I learn? I'm feeling a bit better now (thank you Ali for the much needed talk!), because it has helped me realize a lot about where I am as a beginning counselor, and more importantly, about being true to myself and my character.
Then I came home and we watched The Namesake (rent it!), which really touched me, stirred up a lot inside, and left me crying through most of it. To me it was about finding yourself, the delicate yet messy complication of all the parts that encompass you and the person you are trying so desperately to be.
Even writing this blog has been so cathartic for me these past few months of transition. I'm myself in every line of it, and write on here with no theme or agenda. I can be serious, introspective, silly, tongue-in-cheek, and even release my oh-so-sarcastic side :) It's helped.